October 7, 2015

"i might only have one match, but i can make an explosion.." -- rachel platten (fight song)

I’ve never really gotten used to it. I was (and hopefully still am) always forcing myself to enjoy a little bit of happiness despite the circumstance, no matter how exhausting it becomes. But then again, those who push the limits to anything, at one point, sometimes it’s the limit that pushes back. I guess my ‘joy’ and my constant attempt at finding ‘joy’ has run its course and finally retired. Now I am deeply, deeply sad.
It’s funny how i am triggered to write only when i am emotionally overwhelmed. Maybe the feelings I have need to be expressed, if not through my voice, then through my words. I’ve heard of people who killed themselves, probably thinking that it’s the only way to escape their overwhelming emotions. As for me, I’ve been staring at my meal for almost an hour and it’s already starting to look unappetizing.  
Life is (supposedly) good. I recently got married. I was promoted at work. I am almost done with residency training. I have a loving husband and supportive friends. I belong to a cell group in church. I pray. I talk to God. I read the Bible. I believe in the good of people. Yet I’m constantly battling with inadequacy, insecurity and that unwanted feeling. I forcibly try to stay afloat, amidst the heavy, heavy weight trying to pull me to drown. I am not a bird, I do not want to fly. I keep my trip on land. Yet I always feel as if circumstances want to bury me below the ground, cover me up, leaving me to dead.
I’ve lost daylight.
And there’s no fight left.
I guess I’ll stay here for now.