"I won't run, I won't fly, I will never make it by, without you" - David Guetta

a little backtrack from a few weeks past... i gate-crashed an incredibly fun party at my former workplace. although it was one of the earliest Christmas parties i had attended it exceeded all of my expectations. it immediately set the bar for my entire HOLIDAY party experience... 

but soon after though, more and more parties have far exceeded the craziness and sheer enjoyment of that night... and i will be posting pictures of the rest of these parties i attended/gat-crashed (who can tell the difference, anyway?) ... :) 

so keep posted!!

by the way, i'd like you all to meet my partner-in-crime / my very own macho dancer / my rock star / the reason for most of my RIDICULOUS LAUGHTERS ........... 

<3

"sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead....." - Adele

if only my tears could drown away all my fears and disappointments... id be willing to cry an entire ocean. 

don't get me wrong, I AM HAPPY. i am blessed to be alive for Christmas... and i have more than enough reasons to be festive and joyful. i do thank GOD with my utmost sincerity, for giving me the chance to celebrate this season with JOY and EXCITEMENT, that despite the horrible ordeal i went through for most of this year; despite the unforgettable horrors of chemotherapy and the unforgiving burns of radiation, Christmas arrived with great gifts : LIFE and LOVE. 

but tonight i cried.... for reasons that i prefer to keep to myself. i am still in constant quest for peace, that transcends all understanding. i am consumed by unmet expectations, never ending frustrations and an unrealistic lack of patience. tonight i forgot how lucky i am to still be alive. tonight i failed God.

indeed, if crying were an escape to all of life's problems, we'd be drowning in tears. and what an exhausting escape it would be! fortunately, a simple prayer and a little faith provides more than just a way out... they offer comfort, shelter and peace. it's all a matter of remembering which ones to use.... exhaustion through tears or freedom through prayer. 

so tonight i cried . . . but only for a little while. . . then i started to pray . . .  for quite a long time. . . 

choose wisely, save ur tears.

happy holidays!

"I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see ..." - Kings of Leon

Another entire month of radio-silence, of which i'm not very proud of. I feel like i've betrayed my blog for not paying attention to it for a long time. the reason for my  lack of entries is plainly inexcusable, hence im not going to let u in on it. :P or maybe i will. Nevertheless, i feel like my absence has not been blatantly obvious because only a very few people read my rants...err.. posts. hehe. still, despite my small audience i feel obliged to say 'im sorry' for simply being lazy. lol.

so what have i been up to these days? what's a post-chemo, post-radiotherapy HL patient / doctor doing besides getting better? a whole lot of things! 

first, i've been keeping up with my Toastmasters stint. second, i've mastered the art of making lectures in Microsoft Powerpoint about physiology and general medical conditions, because as hard as it may seem to believe, i have entered the academe. yes, i am currently a post-chemo, post-radiotherapy HL patient / doctor / toastmaster / teacher! beat that. heheheheheheheh 

kidding aside, i have indeed committed myself to one of my life's goals: to teach. but i have very little patience for noisy, uninterested kids so i decided to teach young adults...more specifically college students :) teaching is not an easy thing, i tell you. you have to constantly reassure yourself that you know exactly what you are talking about. a bluff will always be a bluff and no poker face can hide it inside the classroom. :) but it's a great feeling to be able to impart knowledge and re-learn it all again. i suggest you try it, in any way you can! :p

 but on an entirely different note, our Toastmaster's club recently had its charter presentation. it was a night of good looks, good food, and good company. these are some of the photos from that amazing night:

no black and white photos for now.... :) 

"you're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul" ...... - Christina Perri

it has been a tough couple of weeks for me, and i've been forcing myself to smile. i'm halfway through my radiation therapy and i've lost my sense of taste. its uncertain whether this is the reason for my perpetual sadness, but i've definitely lost weight because of it. 

but i thank God for reminding me, that even strangers can make us smile. here's why:

today, while waiting for my turn to get radiation therapy, i was nonchalantly reading my text messages on my phone when a stranger approached me. i glanced, smiled and she smiled back. Hesitantly she said 'i admire ur do'. i was caught off guard. i thought she was going to ask for the time or start small talk. then she continued 'i would like to cut my hair short just like that, but i'm afraid i would look funny'. Humbly i smiled, said "thanks, but its not easy having hair shorter than an inch.... people stare." She disagreed by saying "no, its actually kind of sexy". Flattered, i thanked her again and left because i was called to the room. ... with a HUGE SMILE on my face.

i believe that you should always be mindful of others, in a warm and friendly way, never stingy on smiles, and always ready to extend a helping hand. 

the photos above were taken 2 years ago, on our trip to krabi. i decided to post 'em here because it reminded me how both of us were strangers to that beautiful paradise. but despite that, we grew fond of the place and made friends along the way. 

"the sharp knife of a short life, well, i've had just enough time"... - the band perry

no matter how many times we hear people say that "life's short", we never seem to really get it, or do we? 

each day as the sun rises we continue to live like tomorrow is always going to come. the day passes, the sun sets, and nothing is worth remembering. another day put to waste, and we keep on telling ourselves "maybe tomorrow" . it's utterly ridiculous to think that you're going to cease to exist after tonight's sleep...because we simply aren't wired that way. but don't you want to try living like its your final day on earth, breathing like it could be your last?

well, i do.

how to do it? i have absolutely no clue. although i could start with always SMILING.... but perhaps i might look like a complete fool... 

or i could try something new EVERYDAY. eat something i've never eaten, buy something i've never had.... but perhaps i'd go bankrupt....

why do i feel like the world is turning for everybody else but me? 

i'd like to say that this entry is totally uninspired, but i'd be telling a lie.

"Our memories; Well, they can be inviting. But some are altogether mighty frightening " ... -Gwen Stefani (No Doubt)

As promised, i am going to share with you, my reading audience, the speech i delivered tonight in our Toastmaster's meeting. For those of you who do not know, but are interested to know what Toastmasters Intenational is, it's actually a club where people deliver their prepared speeches and be evaluated as well. It's an avenue to practice speaking in public and improve gradually as you go about the different steps and speeches. Being a new member, i did my Basic Speech 1 , which is called the ice breaker. To know more, you may check out this page about the different speeches: http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/toastmasters-speech-0-competent-communicator/

 According to the guide on that page, the first speech of the Toastmasters program is about introducing yourself to your peers, providing a benchmark for your current skill level, and standing and speaking without falling over.

So, here's my 6 minute speech .... entitled, 

The Big C (no, not the vitamin)

           Do you remember the time when you were little and everyone around you would ask what you wanted to be when you grew up? I bet some of you once wanted to become someone you are not today. Perhaps you said “I want to be a teacher; or a doctor; a scientist maybe; an astronaut; or even a rockstar”. And when asked “why?”, I guess you would’ve said “to save the word, to heal, to have a house, to have a really nice car, to be able to travel the whole world, to win a Nobel prize, to have crazy fans scream my name out loud”. As for me, I had never intentionally wanted to become a doctor. And I never wanted to have cancer. But as it turns out, I am a doctor and I do have cancer.

            For most of my life, I’ve had it easy. School was never tough because my parents were never pushing me to do something or be someone that I didn’t want to be. They allowed me to grow in my own pace but with their guidance, nonetheless. I managed to breeze through gradeschool, highschool, college and medschool. I have gathered little achievements here and there; from a few honor rolls to my very own first kiss. And I’ve established great friendships with a number of ordinary and extraordinary people. Indeed I’ve grown, brain-wise but not height-wise, evidently so. All through those years I have maintained good grades, as well as ably maintaining the same height then and now. So as you can probably tell, I’ve been used to being a little girl; a little lady with a little voice; and now, a little woman. But this little woman was diagnosed with the Big C one lovely Monday morning while taking care of her patients in the hospital. And I bet you can hardly imagine what it must’ve felt like: to be a doctor one minute, and be the patient in the next. Well, imagine no more because I’m going to tell you. 

             You see, when something as big as cancer happens to you, it becomes more of a test of character rather than a test of health. It unveils who you really are, beneath all the façade, beneath all the expectations. It gets you down to the basics, bringing you to the core of your humanity. I have to be honest, I was sad upon hearing the news; sad, but never scared. I also felt betrayed. I felt like life was cheating on me. Because I thought I was doing everything right, and thought I had my entire life figured out, but I was so wrong. So I felt scorned; like being stabbed in the back, helpless and utterly vulnerable. And later I grew ashamed for having felt those things. I picked myself up, prayed and trusted God entirely. Somewhere along the way I felt empowered. Then I felt peace.

            That one event made me realize who I really am. I’m still a little woman, with a little voice. But I am not easily scared, for I fear nothing but God. I don’t have my life figured out because I’m only me, a finite human and only God has the blueprint to my life. I am ridiculously spontaneous but very optimistic. I still have dreams and they’ve never changed ever since I finished medicine: dreams of being able to touch people’s lives whether by a prescription I’ve made, by a smile I shared or even by a speech I delivered.

            So ladies and gentlemen of the audience, if you’re down, and depressed for a failed a relationship, a horrible unforgiving boss, a loss at the lottery; or frustrated at never being able to buy that new MonteroSport that everyone’s crazy about, or sad at never having awesome Boracay pictures to post on Facebook simply because you cannot afford the trip, or even just crying for having to cancel a date with Mr. Hot Guy or Ms. Sexy Lady because you had the flu. Well I suggest you stop, dry those tears and think. If this little woman can single-handedly fight with the Big C (with joy and fearlessness, at that!), then SURELY you can handle a little runny nose, can’t you?

well, that was it. i think i did well, or i hope i did. :)  till next time, :)

"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have and cannon ball into the water" .. . -Teddy Geiger

Out of sheer boredom and with plenty of time to spare, i recently joined the Toastmaster's Club in my own locality. It's a rather interesting move, and i am yet to discover what it can bring into my life. I am quite certain that it'll help me improve in many ways. i'll be posting my first basic speech here after i deliver it on wednesday. (fingers crossed)   majority of the members who will be listening are people i've met for the first time. the thought of it is unnerving but just as equally exciting! :)  be on the lookout for my next post, as it will contain my toastmaster's basic speech number 1....