"i might only have one match, but i can make an explosion.." -- rachel platten (fight song)

Sadness.

I’ve never really gotten used to it. I was (and hopefully still am) always forcing myself to enjoy a little bit of happiness despite the circumstance, no matter how exhausting it becomes. But then again, those who push the limits to anything, at one point, sometimes it’s the limit that pushes back. I guess my ‘joy’ and my constant attempt at finding ‘joy’ has run its course and finally retired. Now I am deeply, deeply sad.

It’s funny how i am triggered to write only when i am emotionally overwhelmed. Maybe the feelings I have need to be expressed, if not through my voice, then through my words. I’ve heard of people who killed themselves, probably thinking that it’s the only way to escape their overwhelming emotions. As for me, I’ve been staring at my meal for almost an hour and it’s already starting to look unappetizing.  

Life is (supposedly) good. I recently got married. I was promoted at work. I am almost done with residency training. I have a loving husband and supportive friends. I belong to a cell group in church. I pray. I talk to God. I read the Bible. I believe in the good of people. Yet I’m constantly battling with inadequacy, insecurity and that unwanted feeling. I forcibly try to stay afloat, amidst the heavy, heavy weight trying to pull me to drown. I am not a bird, I do not want to fly. I keep my trip on land. Yet I always feel as if circumstances want to bury me below the ground, cover me up, leaving me to dead.

I’ve lost daylight.

And there’s no fight left.

I guess I’ll stay here for now.

"You've done something right to keep me up all night. I could wait forever in your smile" ... -Andy Grammer

when was the last time you tried on a new brand of perfume?

Im guessing, its too long a time to even remember.

most people stick to their favorite brand, or brands, depending on the occasion... trying on an entirely new scent, although exciting can be risky; there's always the possibility of the scent not working so well with your skin and natural oils. you end up disappointed and regretting you ever spent on such useless luxury.

So where am i driving at?

You see i met a guy at work....some regular employee I've always known as an acquaintance.

We exchange Hi's and Hello's in an almost stranger-like level of some sort. Unexpectedly,we grew fond of each other, forgive me for fogetting how it happened, but in a matter of weeks we just enjoyed each other's company. in a shorter, more modern way to put it, we simply clicked!

Quite instantly, we considered ourselves as breakfast buddies, then lunch buddies, then carbo-filled, fat-filled, sugar-filled snack buddies. We just love food... he was aiming to gain more weight for vanity's sake perhaps, but i ended up earning all the pounds, both to our dismay.

In small bits and pieces embedded in our mostly crazy and nonsense conversations, i have come to discover several things about  my new friend.. although he never told me himself, i found out about his past love interest, still the present love interest, and possibly the future and forever love of his life, all three in one person. He calls himself stupid for it, while I call it romantic, although cowardly (sorry) . It's exactly like sticking to one brand of perfume...

Which brings me to my own realizations...

For years i have been used to living a very colorful life; but almost soon after several buckets of paint have splashed on my canvas, inevitably, life gets dull, routine, ordinary, perhaps secure and safe but blatantly boring.

And like him, I'm reluctant to take risks. Scared even.

Dont get me wrong, i love my life, i love my friends, i love my partner in crime (my7yearboyf), i love my job, but i think its time i try out a new perfume.

any suggestions?

xoxo

There’s someone I’ve been missing; I think that they could be the better half of me.......- - -One Republic

How long has it been? 

I don’t even want to know.

This pretty long hiatus, errr, hibernation was simply because of lack of sheer passion to write. There are so many things I can draw inspiration from and write a thousand words about, but the urge was never there.

 Tonight, however, something stirred my mind. I will attempt to write about it in the next posts...

Meanwhile, a quick update on my so called black and white life...

I have hopped aboard a new ship called Anesthesiology. I am currently a 2^nd year Anesthesia resident at our local hospital having the time of my life. No, I haven’t married anyone yet nor do I have any kids. I’m still the free-spirited little lady who kicked big C’s ass. I've mastered the art of poking people at the back and knocking 'em all to sleep. :) I wave my magic wand, and they wake up! :) lol

That explains my 1 year and 2 month long hiatus.

Now back to my mind-stirring moment...

Have you ever come to a point in your life where everything seemed so natural, so routine, so predictable, so comfortable, so secure...

Then someone comes a long, and makes you question all that?

Well, I have.

to be continued........... 

xoxo

"you show the lights that stop me turn to stone..." - Ellie Goulding

what's your greatest fear? .....



geesh... if i were asked that question, i'd be out of words. It's not that i don't fear anything, it's just that sorting my fears and choosing one to label as "greatest" requires much thought and analysis. as u may already have figured out, i am a very analytical person... so i burden myself to think with even the most 'non-analytical' questions.

this particular question was inspired by the latest literary piece (errrrrr.... book) i am reading entitled The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. A specific part of the book caught my attention and i quote

"There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was a time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that's what everyone else does."
                                                               Hazel, in The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

If oblivion is your fear, that's the most perfect counter to that fear. I know many of us have petty fears but maybe in the back of our minds we do fear of completely being forgotten...

it's been more than a week and im still halfway done with the book.. (since i am reading it intentionally SSSLLOOOWWW because i love it sooo much i don't want the story to end right away... hehe)
so right now i guess my greatest fear is reading the last page of the book...
i know, it's pretty lame... but after much thought and analysis, that is pretty much my greatest fear for the moment.

i don't know with you, but i tend not to trouble myself with fears ... i know they're somewhere in my mind, lurking, always ready to show itself thereby keeping me from living life. . . but i try to keep my fears at bay. when a ladder blocks my path, i climb it, i am not afraid of falling down one step, instead i am eager to climb another. :)

so, what's your greatest fear?  

 xoxo

"As we sit alone, I know someday we must go..." - Pearl Jam

no, i have not died yet, in case you were wondering. i have been on a pretty long hiatus from blogging but not on living life. but yes, i could die any time, perhaps soon, and then maybe not so soon. we don't know. but we do know that LIFE IS SHORT. however you define "short". it can never be forever. 

i am currently reading a book entitled "The Fault in our Stars" and it's one of the best books i've read so far. :) but i'll tell you more about it later. 

for now, i'm going to give you a sneak-peek on my whereabouts for the past few months. the reason why i haven't been writing is because i've been travelling and i guess i suck at making this a travel blog because i can't write while i travel. that sucks too, i guess i better learn more about that... 

i've actually posted these pics on facebook but not here... so here it goes :) 

LIFE IS SHORT.

It's been 20 months since I discovered I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma and LIFE has never been the same since.

When something as big as cancer hits you, your entire perspective about LIFE changes. 

Inspired by the places I have visited since i was declared cancer-free early this year, I have arrived at some REALIZATIONS based on the undeniable fact that LIFE IS INDEED VERY SHORT.

These realizations are posted as captions of some of my favorite captured moments throughout the whole year. ENJOY!

Life is short... so SOAR high! 
(Taken at Tagaytay. January 2012)

Life is short... so SPEAK kindly... 

(taken at a Toastmasters National Convention, Samal Is, Davao. April 2012)

 Life is short... so bid the past FAREWELL but leave a noble mark. 

(taken at White Island, Camiguin. August 2012)

 Life is short... so BE A SHOULDER to lean on. 

(taken at Butterfly Sanctuary, Davao City. August 2012)

 Life is short... so BE HUMBLE 

(taken in Oslob, Cebu. August 2012)

 Life is short... so live it in FULL COLOR! 

(Taken atTumalog Water Falls, Oslob Cebu City. August 2012)

 Life is short... so maintain BALANCE in everything you do. 

(Taken in Siargao, Camiguin and Malitbog)

Life is short.... so LET GO of all the pain...... 

(Taken at Danasan Eco Adventure Park, Danao City. August 2012)

 Life is short... so HOLD ON TIGHT to your loved ones. 

(taken at the Waterfalls, Danasan, Danao. August 2012)

Life is short... so LIGHTEN up your heart! 

(taken at Lake, Camotes Island. August 2012) 

Life is short.... so TAME the WAVES of your emotions. 

(taken at Cloud 9, Gen. Luna, Siargao. September 2012)

 Life is short... so make a SPLASHING impact on people's lives. 

(Taken at Splash Island, Biñan Laguna. January 2012)

 Life is short.... so FOCUS on what truly matters ;-)

(taken at RAPSACC Shooting range, Cabadbaran, Mindanao. September 2012)

Life is short.... so understand that reality BITES!! - 

(with Lolong, the world's largest crocodile in captivity — at Bunawan, Agusan del Sur. September 2012)

 Life is short... so pause, think and process.... :p 

(Taken at San Antonio de Padua, Silang, Cavite City. January 2012)

 Life is short... so CAPTURE each moment with love.

(Taken at Small Lagoon El Nido ,Palawan. March 2012)

 Life is short... so RELEASE your worries! 

(taken at Secret Lagoon, Palawan. March 2012)

 Life is short... so STAND tall.

 (Taken from my hotel window in Hongkong. May 2012)

 Life is short... so FALL in sweet surrender! 

(taken at EAT Danao, Bohol. May 2012)

Life is short... so use your IMAGINATION wisely.

(Taken at the Pantalan, Malitbog, Southern Leyte. May 2012)

Life is short... so take a LEAP of faith!

(Taken at Malitbog Southern Leyte. May 2012 )

Life is short... so SMILE! 

(Taken at  Princess' dance recital , Fernan Hall, Lahug. )

Life is short.... so ENJOY THE RIDE!! 

(with my partner in crime riding a motorbike around Cabadbaran. September 2012)

 Yep, i've been to a lot of places in a span of 9 months. I was lucky enough to be able to get back to work and earn enough for travel. Work is flexible as I've been doing clinics so I can always take a vacay for a few days and then work again. (more days working than going around, i promise!) hehehhe

This has been a very very very long entry. I do hope you get my point in those pictures.

LIVE. :)

"and just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far..." -Jason Mraz

 my new horizon

(written June 7, 2012)

Yesterday the planet Venus traversed between the earth and our Sun.

I bet it didn’t matter to you.

I am not currently venturing into the world of astronomy if that’s what you’re thinking. Well, not yet anyway. But a quick update on my most recent life: I am currently tens of kilometres away from home. Being the ‘wanderlust’ that I am, moving was a quick decision; perhaps too quick. It had only been 3 days and I’m melting away in tears. I’ve never known the feeling of being homesick until now and i wish i didn’t have to know. It’s a sad, heart-crushing, lonely feeling forcing me to fake a smile.

So when i saw on the news that Venus was traversing... i smiled a real smile for the first time in days. Somehow I felt closer to home. I knew that wherever i was, the Sun will have the same spot as it will have back home when Venus does traverse. I knew that no matter how far my most recent life has brought me, home, love and the previous life are lit by the same Sun, traversed by the same Venus. And that somehow, they didn’t seem too far.

So, yesterday the planet Venus traversed between the earth and our Sun.

And it mattered A LOT to me. 

xoxo

"lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you. " .... -Coldplay

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more grey" 

This was a quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption and I thank my friend, Princess for sharing it to me this morning. 

Have you ever come to a point in your life when you just asked yourself "Is this all there is?" "Isn't there more to life than this?" It's funny how we are in constant search for whatever we are searching yet not really knowing why we searched for it to begin with. 

I have been out of town to 7 different places in less than 5 months and my heart still yearns for more. Contentment. Often very hard to acquire, yet all too easy to falter at. I just came back from a trip to a very busy city and all i could think of was where to go next, what to do next, what to feel next, like life is never enough, love is never enough, joy is never enough.

I woke up after a day in that buzzing city and it was amidst the skyscrapers that i realized how wrong i have been. 

A hawk greeted me and all i could say was 'are u an eagle?' .... you always want what isn't there... but that day i realized that contentment is hapiness... coz sometimes, a hawk is a hawk... no matter how many times u wish it was an eagle... :)

Whatever it is that we are longing for, searching for, yearning for, let's pause, process and remind ourselves this: GOD is enough. In fact, He's MORE than enough. We do not deserve His grace but He gave it to us freely and without hesitation.